06 November 2010

things

things I love: 30s and 40s cinema, 80s hip-hop, 90s r&b, sam cooke, malcolm x, jazz music, soul, men with dreads, mama's boys, shoes, katherine hepburn, james 'jimmy' stewart, green, fashion-esp 30s (which people think is the one undefineable decade. HA!), eating food that tastes good, doing person-specific things for the people I love, philosophy, intelligent conversation, a good cry, my family, teaching, children, knowing that I've been a blessing to someone and that I will bless many more yet (God willing), words, good blogs, poetry, art, photography, incense, the color turquoise, genuine friendship, house m.d., laughter, my sweetheart's backyard, atlanta's magnolias, lilies, philly cheesesteak, pina coladas, the sound of any saxaphone I've ever heard, the snow, caramel, lengerie, tigger, disney's beauty and the beast, strawberry milkshakes, my grandma lee's subtle yet potent afro-centricity, christmas music, smiling or laughing to myself over a good memory, pockets, love

things I like: cooking, singing, reading, listening to french radio stations while drinking coffee, being in paris, being reluctant to meet new people or try new things and then discovering those new persons or things are quite wonderful, youtube, getting dressed, skype, being annoyed by my sister, the way my grandma brook's emails can almost bring me to tears even though all they say is I'm praying for you and I miss you, soft rain, doing new cultural things (art shows, museums, speeches...), limeade

things I don't like: PMSing, bad dreams, being away for too long, the feeling of "I should have...", insencerity, disrespect, bad mouth children, being hot, not being able to explain my emotions, boredom, having my time wasted

things I hate: poor logic offered as fact, intentional hurt, abuse, neglect, isms, hate

things I miss: being told I will only fall asleep, falling asleep, and then being reprimanded for falling asleep on movies during sleepovers with the sibs, my bed, mom's cooking, going to forever 21 w|stephanie not to shop but to comment on the way the store looks, atlanta, being held by him while watching movies on his mac, my cousin david, visiting my dad's house- I want to see the new place, twitter being up (lol)

things I want: house seasons 5 and 6, a fancy dinner with my family for my 21st birthday, to be the fantastic matriarch of my own family, to teach and build schools, old movie posters (the philadelphia story and it happened one night to name a couple), to have enough money to be able to give as much as my heart wants to, to design my own jewlry and maybe even clothes- not a line but literally my own just for me, snow on my birthday and/or christmas for the rest of my life, to take up sax (again) in grad school- and ancient greek, to have cool pictures taken of me

things I know: I want my house to smell like incense and organic oils and soaps, I love him, I will make a great professor one day and an even better mother, I realllly like atlanta, there is a God, love is real, I am loved, I've left out plenty, it would be really cool to have one wall in the house on which everybody could just create whenever they got the urge, I like me

03 November 2010

What Women Want

I guess the following is in response to this neverending conversation about Black women who will never marry cus 1)[Black] men aren't good enough 2)Black women are too picky

What Women Want
I want to love
and be loved in return
I want to be in love
unquestioningly
confidently
dangerously
fearlessly
and without shame

Be he Black or be he blue
I want to love
Be he lawyer, teacher, or starving ar-teest
I want to love
Be he rich or need he more
I want to love
Protestant or searching like me
I want to love

I like to dance
I'd like someone to dance with
I want to love
I like to think
Philosophize on the big and small and whether you can even qualify such things
I'd like someone to share my thoughts with
I want to love

A list of requirements will do nothing for my heart
A man who's discription reads well in an email to ma and pops may or may not move my spirit each sight of him
I want to love

I envy the women who are so certain of he for whom they are searching
How relieving it must be to be able to look at a man [or his credentials] and know right away he is not the one for you
What time that must save!

If only I could pinpoint each factor needed to create a|new love
Alas, I cannot
All I know is that I want to love

don't misunderstand me I don't think there is anything wrong with having standards. and I'm not saying this simply wanting to love is the right way to go about it for everyone. I just think lists can be dangerous..esp as they grow. of course I reach this conclusion through the lens of my own paradigm. I used to be an over-planner. I knew how things should go very well in advance. others called me a perfectionist (some still do). but plans can fall through. especially plans that have no real base. or one that is based on too many "ifs". so I changed up my way of life. while I still think of the future I try not to determine it before it gets here, rather I prepare for it as it approaches. what's at the core of my desire to be a future wife and mother, then: love. height, skin tone, and musical preferences cannot possibly deter me from falling in love with someone let alone cause me to deny that love as an act of stubborness.

I digress.

27 October 2010

weep for me

inspired by sam cooke's rendition of willow weep for me

rain cloud weep for me
release your waters upon the trees
who'll catch my sadness, send my sorrow through the breeze
it's not everyday I hit my knees and plead
but if you'll make this exception, cater to this one need
I'll leave

willow weep for me
(your branches reach the river more naturally)
while you're down there release my pain
just this once; I won't ask again
but each tear I've cried has taken a piece
and if I grant any more energy toward the emission of tears it will be the death of me
so grant me this favor to save my sanity

river weep for me
the tears will blend simply
with your waters
I'll never ask again for you to pay for my sins
but if you will just this time I can refuel my mind for the next offense

...
[unfinished]

12 October 2010

(unfinished thoughts thrown together to form an unfinished work. read it anyway.)


my face burning with tears that would leave stains for years to come
you're amazing but all the good in the world can't undo the wrong you've done
looking past it only means I'm ignoring what my peripheral vision sees quite clearly
rubbing my temples and rolling my head cus I can't even hear the real me
I know she's speaking but I don't know which voice is her's
the one that's saying leave or the one that says you live and you learn
the one that says to push through for love or the one that says love doesn't look like this
and I can't help feeling like I shot and I missed
again
the ball spun round the rim a good seven times
thought that was a sign
of surefire victory
began to celebrate having won til you came and tipped the ball off rim straight tripped on me
and this whole time I thought we were on the same team.
one for all and all for we.
but as it turns out is was more like all for he.
...

is it a crime that I still want you? hell yeah! if it's not it should be. no one should be allowed to give so much, be so much, love SO much and keep comin up short. I've lost my own vision because of a man. thought he gave my voice volume now I see he mutes it instead. curse my inner thirst for this 'He' that I must now realize doens't really exist. death to the lover in me.
 
the saddest part of it all is that I can't let go. almost tempted to ask why me but I know better. these things wouldn't happen if I just used my own good judegment. but I've ignored it so long I don't even know what it sounds like anymore.
 
hhhhhhh
 
I can't write any more right now.

 
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