07 July 2010

take 6

the following turned into something like a written self-mandate, made public to make me further accountable. this way I'll have it to remind me and keep me focused.

so I've been thinking (I do that). and I decided to take a break from men. a watered down version of the "swearing off" of men that I would like to think is a lot less dramatic.

heeeere's a little background:
first boyfriend- age 16, he was 18, only saw him at church. he cheated and lied about it. dumped him. twice.
first "main"- age 17, he was 16 (I always forget that part), newbie from new york, my rebellious period, learned the art of sneaking out from him, he just wanted sex from me. and one of the other girls. I wouldn't give it to him or take his crap anymore so I bounced.
second boyfriend- age 17, he was 20? (don't judge me), military man. first time, first love, first heartbreak. closed me off to just about every other man since.
third boyfriend- age 18, he was 20 (for sure this time), storybook romance, no chemistry. and I had to go to school. bounced
fourth bf- age 18, he was 17. shared a bday and love for football. longest relationship at just days over a year. the one who crept in after I swore I'd take moms advice, start dating, and stop entering serious relationships. ours was always more of a friendship. bounced.

so after him, age 19, I decide to take moms advice, start dating, and stop entering serious relationships. so, instead, I start having sex(stopped after bf #2, which is also when I started)- modestly yet consistently- and get myself my second main.

second main- age 19, he was too. had dreads. nuff said. ha. we kept our physical and platonic relationships separate, quite successfully, for what seemed like a nice chunk of time. then he stopped doing the friend part but kept wanting the sex part and I'd grown fond of and would have preferred the former. toodles.

third main- age 20, he 24. opened me up to be able to actually be all me all the time with a man again. similar to my relationship with main numero dos we had an understanding; we were comfortable going with the flow no labels. until we started feeling things and acting in ways that further cultivated those things and it stopped lining up with our 'must be single' mentality. so we split, if you can call it that.

all the while dealing with male friends who don't really wanna just be friends and crazy stalkery people who plan to be pastors (long story).

so, as you can see, much of my life since I was old enough to date has been heavily consumed with just that. thanks to main 3 I at least know that I can again love like I did once with that second boyfriend of mine- some day. but now I need to learn to love me. me by myself. see, I pride myself on my skills as companion. I'm good at it. and I enjoy it. but as wonderful as this may be for whomever I may decide to enter a relationship with, I need some me things to be equally proud of and happy to do. so I'm going to find and cultivate those things so that I know me. at which point I can then confidently say, love me.

I'm leaving for Paris in 38 days. I'll be there for 126. it'll be at least another 14 after that before I return to Atlanta. which rounds up to about 6 months I'll be away from my home away from home (which will soon become my home at home but that's irrelevant). this provides me with the perfect opportunity to just do me, figuratively speaking. I think it's dumb to try to start a relationship while abroad, and no more sex outside of a relationship, if at all (I'm still tweaking this idea, bare with me), means no men. no dating to get anywhere. no cuddling that leads to canoodling. just me enjoying Paris, busting my booty w|studies and research, and finding myself.

so for the next 6 months, at LEAST, I'll be shooshooing away all one night flings and potential husbands.
pray for me.


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