Au Revoir

[ironically enough, I can't end it right now..]

You were always there when I needed
If not in person, then in spirit

A simple phone call and I can’t hold back
Tears here and now brought on by smiles of the past
An “I miss you” loaded with unspoken “remember whens”
And I almost reconsider if we really need to end
Or if either of us can truly handle our just being friends

Wanting what's best for you but needing the best for me
I wonder if they’re different or if I just want you to need me

And though it’s the only way we’ll survive
For one reason or another
I don’t know how to say goodbye

As the words come to mind as the solution to this lie we call our life
I accept the reality but try to push it aside
Once they reach my lips I begin to agonize inside
Afraid I can't convince you as the tears flow from my eyes
That if it were a matter of the heart solely you may forever be mine
But because the head and heart must align
and don't
These were the words it was destined
I spoke
Wanting to return to life pre-lesson learned, I won't
Cus despite current confliction it will only increase our hurt
...

Read more »

mini-me

if I could talk to little me
reveal life's secrets honestly
unravel falsehoods before they were formed
to bandage her uncut sores and shield her from unrained storms
I wouldn't

if I could speak to baby chai
undo the hurt of unteared cries
withhold the clouds so all her skies were clear with answers to her whys
and lighten the load of heavy sighs to come
I couldn't

if I were to profess to my own little miss
enlighten her on that and this
impart aged wisdom and provide a gist
of what this thing called life really is
I'd wish I hadn't

if I had to say something to the me before me
I 'd do so reluctantly
but I'll tell you what I'd say
I'd say baby,
it'll all be ok
when life goes unexpected
because even the steps that are misdirected are protected
so don't worry about what's in line
cus you're gonna turn out just fine

then I'd hug and release her
return my spirit beneath her
and let her live her life

Read more »

miss

it's natural for me to find myself in you
the commonalities become mirrors rather than coincidence
home, rather than something like it
me, and not some extension thereof

everytime you come around
I find myself in yourself
define myself by your wealth
which is also mine, of course
see those things we see the same
cast aside those we don't cus they're so mundane
(compared to all we share)
compare our worlds
contrast our unalikes until they too aren't such extremes afterall

recall
how closely related they are if I
turn my head and squint like this
or
close my eyes and reminisce
on
something resembling someone who's whisper I miss
miss
miss..
(hm. no that can't be it)

cus nothing can be missing
if I am with you
and am complete
as I add to your puzzle, fulfill my best feat
made whole
by making you so
but
(what?)

doesn't the
missing piece
have a shape of her own?
before finding her place in you?

not that you are me
nor that my meness shows you you
but that the edges of my insides and yours are congruent
which doesn't take away from its meaning
but also doesn't define your or my being

only our own shapes (and not the molds) can do that.
so I guess what I've missed is.. everything.

I talked to my friend Zach last night. During the conversation he gave me the most perfect analogy (which he tends to do). He told me to define myself in ways that didn't include others. I caaaaan't, I told him. I mean I could, I just felt those things that were characteristic of me separate from others were unimportant. Who cares if I'm smart or talented, for example, if I'm not using my gifts to benefit or enlighten the people! As I discussed my tendencies to strive and take pride the most in situations involving an other or group of others, he explained that while it is very important I recognize my relationship to the whole, or 'the puzzle', I must first recognize how I can fit into that puzzle by knowing what I look like/have to offer to the puzzle as an individual piece. Makes perfect sense, right? Yeah. I thought so too.

Read more »

take 6

the following turned into something like a written self-mandate, made public to make me further accountable. this way I'll have it to remind me and keep me focused.

so I've been thinking (I do that). and I decided to take a break from men. a watered down version of the "swearing off" of men that I would like to think is a lot less dramatic.


heeeere's a little background:
first boyfriend- age 16, he was 18, only saw him at church. he cheated and lied about it. dumped him. twice.
first "main"- age 17, he was 16 (I always forget that part), newbie from new york, my rebellious period, learned the art of sneaking out from him, he just wanted sex from me. and one of the other girls. I wouldn't give it to him or take his crap anymore so I bounced.
second boyfriend- age 17, he was 20? (don't judge me), military man. first time, first love, first heartbreak. closed me off to just about every other man since.
third boyfriend- age 18, he was 20 (for sure this time), storybook romance, no chemistry. and I had to go to school. bounced
fourth bf- age 18, he was 17. shared a bday and love for football. longest relationship at just days over a year. the one who crept in after I swore I'd take moms advice, start dating, and stop entering serious relationships. ours was always more of a friendship. bounced.


so after him, age 19, I decide to take moms advice, start dating, and stop entering serious relationships. so, instead, I start having sex(stopped after bf #2, which is also when I started)- modestly yet consistently- and get myself my second main.


second main- age 19, he was too. had dreads. nuff said. ha. we kept our physical and platonic relationships separate, quite successfully, for what seemed like a nice chunk of time. then he stopped doing the friend part but kept wanting the sex part and I'd grown fond of and would have preferred the former. toodles.


third main- age 20, he 24. opened me up to be able to actually be all me all the time with a man again. similar to my relationship with main numero dos we had an understanding; we were comfortable going with the flow no labels. until we started feeling things and acting in ways that further cultivated those things and it stopped lining up with our 'must be single' mentality. so we split, if you can call it that.


all the while dealing with male friends who don't really wanna just be friends and crazy stalkery people who plan to be pastors (long story).


so, as you can see, much of my life since I was old enough to date has been heavily consumed with just that. thanks to main 3 I at least know that I can again love like I did once with that second boyfriend of mine- some day. but now I need to learn to love me. me by myself. see, I pride myself on my skills as companion. I'm good at it. and I enjoy it. but as wonderful as this may be for whomever I may decide to enter a relationship with, I need some me things to be equally proud of and happy to do. so I'm going to find and cultivate those things so that I know me. at which point I can then confidently say, love me.


I'm leaving for Paris in 38 days. I'll be there for 126. it'll be at least another 14 after that before I return to Atlanta. which rounds up to about 6 months I'll be away from my home away from home (which will soon become my home at home but that's irrelevant). this provides me with the perfect opportunity to just do me, figuratively speaking. I think it's dumb to try to start a relationship while abroad, and no more sex outside of a relationship, if at all (I'm still tweaking this idea, bare with me), means no men. no dating to get anywhere. no cuddling that leads to canoodling. just me enjoying Paris, busting my booty w|studies and research, and finding myself.


so for the next 6 months, at LEAST, I'll be shooshooing away all one night flings and potential husbands.
pray for me.


-chai

Read more »