02 August 2010

monster in the mirror

this plague, my spiritual leprosy
eating at the very essence of me
causing me to ignore the other facets of me
as this disease starts to define the very presence of me
so I stay up at night trying to fight off this devilish need
to be wanted and comply, pre-hear wishes and take heed
I no longer can allow this desire to consume me
but somehow am still attracted to the beauty of he
I question how, knowing, I still revisit that place
in the comfort of my room I seek understanding
the answer arrives and I see her face
betrayed by the monster in the mirror

so here's my dilemma:
I need to be single. It's good for me right now. It's best for me right now. BUT I also need to be needed. Nonono wanted. I need someone to cater to and care for and console and caress and all that. I don't really. But I want it. I don't even want it. But I crave it. I thrive in that role. I'm quite good at it, actually. And when I'm not in a committed relationship, I still somehow manage to find someone to give to in an eerily similar fashion while trying to convince myself that I'm living the single life and it's grand.
"The best of both worlds," I say. When in reality it's the worst of them. The stress of doing the right thing (or more than enough) for someone without the commitment. The inevitable overflow of emotions without the commitment. The deliciousness of physical connection without the commitment.. hmm.. don't quote me on that last one.
Anyhoo. No matter what I did (committed relationship or otherwise), I always ended up there. And stayed. Almost always wayyy past due. I now know my problem at least: I am drawn to the role of significant other. This is not all bad, of course, for those skills will come in handy when my time as wife and mother arrives. But, in the mean time and in between time I'm exerting a lot of energy in the wronnnnng direction.
So, problem noted, what is my solution? Having avoided answering this question since the discovery of my problem over a week ago, I have decided to seek help.
That sounded (un)necessarily desperate. But notice I didn't hit backspace.


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