wonder

I wonder if he knows me.

I mean I know he knows about me.
I know he knows what I’m about. 
I know he listens when I speak. 
And when I don’t.

But..

I wonder if he knows what I don’t. 
I wonder if he hears what I won’t. 
I wonder if he sees when I cope 
silently and privately with the impossible.

I wonder if he knows what he wants when he says he wants me.
I wonder 
and then he smiles.
And I think, 
he can’t know; how could he?

If he knew, how could he smile so serenely? 
How could he touch so tenderly? 
How could he contain my carcass with such confidence?

Then I wonder how much power he has. 
I’ve seen him move mountains. 
And I’ve witnessed him feed field-fulls of fraught nonbelievers his truth until they were no longer famished and frail. 
But is he a healer? 
If I touch the hem of his garment,
Will I be cured, or fall further into torment?
Can a dead dame be brought back to life or aren’t such marvels frozen in the time capsules we call theologies?

or is he my savior?

I wonder.

I wonder, because I’m broken. 
And no matter how many magicians I make my master
a miracle has yet to be performed.
Instead, I leave each false prophet more broken than before.
But I wonder if he could be any different.
And I wonder how I would know if he was.

If only I could taste his victory. 
If only I could sense his pride.
If only I could be what he sees when he envisions me at his side.
But I can’t.
So I wonder.
About this wonder.

In awe.

24 december 2012.

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For Future Refernece

A TOUGH LOVE LETTER TO MYSELF

Dear You, 

Going through the motions will leave your emotion quotient totally broken
Reckless devotion- the effect of listening to a heart that has misspoken.
Someone said if you're not on the same page don't even leave the book open,
Go on and close it.
Advice token- go on and let it soak in.
Love lost is a potent potion for initiatng the rage of beasts newly awoken.
Creating trains of thought entertaining strange mechanisms of coping.
Zen proverb quoting and eloping mentally
by smoking dope and floating g-gent-ally.
Jack and Coke to the throat til ya choke,
thinking the sting will cover your crushed hopes and dreams.
"Meant to be" now sounds something like a myth to me.
Yet again Cupid lifts his arrow, shifts his gaze and misses me.
The game's a maze for which there is no bird's eye view.
You can't weigh all the options and then determine what to do.
Nothing's laid out for you.
Life doesn't come equipped with a solvent,
just other folks' attempts to apply their inexperience to your problems.
But there is no right or wrong, all there is is just "evolving".
Do the best you can, pay attention to the now,
because pre-celebrating the future is how Giants fall down.
How can you reach your destiny without leaving?
How can you combat the night if you're constantly daydreaming?
What good can come from game playing and scheming?
You may win the match but looks can be deceiving.
All you've really done is trick yourself, and that's misleading.
Temple kneading, dry heaving and emotional bleeding
that seeps into the soul and makes you wonder why you're breathing
can leave you feening for revenge or at least some reconciliation.
Blame-gaming, naming faults employed with confrontation-
A remedy that seems pleasing but is just an imitation-
dramatic results of avoidable humiliation.
I'm not suggesting apathy but deference to your reverence.
Just breathe and know that road is not your preference.
Let the fact that life goes on serve as your severance.
And if you're reading this in a state of bliss, know that I don't mean to wreck it.
Just consider this message a tough love note for future reference.

Love,
Me

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sun, rise

thinking of him as I watch the sunrise through my window

sipping my coffee

knowing that in 6 short hours he'll be watching the same sun rise

sipping his tea

and thinking of me

looking forward to our first shared sunrise

every morning

I am one morning closer to my sweet heart

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Au Revoir

[ironically enough, I can't end it right now..]

You were always there when I needed
If not in person, then in spirit

A simple phone call and I can’t hold back
Tears here and now brought on by smiles of the past
An “I miss you” loaded with unspoken “remember whens”
And I almost reconsider if we really need to end
Or if either of us can truly handle our just being friends

Wanting what's best for you but needing the best for me
I wonder if they’re different or if I just want you to need me

And though it’s the only way we’ll survive
For one reason or another
I don’t know how to say goodbye

As the words come to mind as the solution to this lie we call our life
I accept the reality but try to push it aside
Once they reach my lips I begin to agonize inside
Afraid I can't convince you as the tears flow from my eyes
That if it were a matter of the heart solely you may forever be mine
But because the head and heart must align
and don't
These were the words it was destined
I spoke
Wanting to return to life pre-lesson learned, I won't
Cus despite current confliction it will only increase our hurt
...

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miss

it's natural for me to find myself in you
the commonalities become mirrors rather than coincidence
home, rather than something like it
me, and not some extension thereof

everytime you come around
I find myself in yourself
define myself by your wealth
which is also mine, of course
see those things we see the same
cast aside those we don't cus they're so mundane
(compared to all we share)
compare our worlds
contrast our unalikes until they too aren't such extremes afterall

recall
how closely related they are if I
turn my head and squint like this
or
close my eyes and reminisce
on
something resembling someone who's whisper I miss
miss
miss..
(hm. no that can't be it)

cus nothing can be missing
if I am with you
and am complete
as I add to your puzzle, fulfill my best feat
made whole
by making you so
but
(what?)

doesn't the
missing piece
have a shape of her own?
before finding her place in you?

not that you are me
nor that my meness shows you you
but that the edges of my insides and yours are congruent
which doesn't take away from its meaning
but also doesn't define your or my being

only our own shapes (and not the molds) can do that.
so I guess what I've missed is.. everything.

I talked to my friend Zach last night. During the conversation he gave me the most perfect analogy (which he tends to do). He told me to define myself in ways that didn't include others. I caaaaan't, I told him. I mean I could, I just felt those things that were characteristic of me separate from others were unimportant. Who cares if I'm smart or talented, for example, if I'm not using my gifts to benefit or enlighten the people! As I discussed my tendencies to strive and take pride the most in situations involving an other or group of others, he explained that while it is very important I recognize my relationship to the whole, or 'the puzzle', I must first recognize how I can fit into that puzzle by knowing what I look like/have to offer to the puzzle as an individual piece. Makes perfect sense, right? Yeah. I thought so too.

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in love with you

My friend Jireh and I co-wrote a lil something for a banquet we're a part of. Inspired by Erykah and Stephen's "In Love With You"

(scatting)

Jireh
Sometimes when I run my hands through your hair
I forget I'm not swimming through a cloud and I find myself floating away
Then, without trying or meaning to, I reach for
the ground
instead of allowing myself to reach the heights of true lovers' bliss

And increasingly more often, I'll look into your eyes and see
the oceans, lakes, rivers, ponds, pools:
that life giving substance that covers our earth and connects us to each other

And as I stare into the abyss of depth, I see a glimmer:
a thought swimming by. So I ask you What's on your mind, baby?
but you just
smile

you smile
that smile that fills me with warmth
that begs me to say what I cannot say

that smile that says you need me to say
what I am unable to say

I say, I dig you baby, instead of
I need you baby
I need you

Chaina
he said he's really diggin me
I don't know what to say
cus
as soon as he spoke the words he
quickly turned his heart away
and left mine in just enough time to leave it open but unfilled
but that's when
he took my heart in his hands and kissed it gently
knowing but uneasy he changed the script on me
and in place of unfound words he said this poetry:
"I'm in love with you"
but he won't accept it
and I don't know why
through false professions of love he's been
broken and misused
stretched and abused
left unprotected, exposed, and misdirected
but so have I
all I wanna do is take his heart and protect it
in mine
he
asked me to let free my past so I left it
behind
he
took from me all anxiety but ironically kept it
for himself, let it fester inside
I'm not askin for perfection; I just want him to try

Jireh
And I try
And I try
And I try
And I try
Together
And I try
I try
I try
And I try

Jireh
She said she need more than a friend
That's all I ever been
But some day you gon overstand
(scats)

Chaina
but you've never been
just a friend
and you and I both know you were meant to be
my soldier
so baby come on; I need it desperately

Chaina I need to hear it: you're in love with me
Jireh: I just don't know how to be in love with you
Chaina: But you show that you know you're in love with me incessantly.
Jireh: But if I do more than show it, it might make it real
Chaina: Remember the somethings that you whispered sweetly in my ear that night I cried in your arms and didn't stop; it's already real
Jireh: Remember when I called you so angry I couldn't speak, but you were there and  you cried, I cried, we cried together? I can't do that to you again.
Chaina: You've already led me to your soul, just give me your heart to hold and we can continue on this journey together

Together
tip-toeing on the pool of love trying not to fall in
we both prefer to sit
on the side and dip
our feet in until time permits
us to jump in
Chaina: but then again why wait, when we're both in need of the refreshing cool
Jireh: both burned from past miseries
Chaina: but it's in love that we'll find our needed healing

Alternating: You're in love with me (4x)
Alternating: I'm in love with you (3x)
Together: I'm in love with you

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can't let you go

I want to want to not want you but I can't.
I can see the heartbreak up ahead and it don't look too good
but it feels even worse
rehearsed the words time and time again in my head to tell you goodbye
but I can't let you go
no matter how hard I try
or would try if I cared to
truth is, I'm scared to
caught unawares through the kisses and stares
and knowing glances shared and
even in being unprepared I found joy in figuring it out with you

I don't understand: What did I do?
to deserve to be reintroduced to this feeling so few have known
only to have it threatening to be ripped away from me again?
staying and going, they both hold consequence
and in both circumstances the end is negative
ah but is this feeling not worth it?
I like to tell myself that it is
so I can just keep bein his
got me startin poems in the draft section of my phone on my way back home from his place
and when all but clouds are gone, he is the sun shone on my face
then.
a message ensuring I'm okay
just as my day turns gray
makes me ignore all the ways I've convinced myself not to stay
not because no one else checks on me that way
but because when he does it it's...
different
maybe cus I want it to be
maybe cus something's actually there
but the fact that I'm even doubting makes me painfully aware
that something's not right
we never used to fight
and while spats can be expected, my heart is unprotected and it's not the small but the major that I've detected and I'm already fed up
until you say somethin about love
then I wonder if you're the one
or if it's just me caring too much
about stuff that shouldn't affect us
but does
and to be honest I don't know if I can do it anymore
I almost want to, but I can't go through it anymore
the door that you built for me to enter just sometimes
me unaware of what's happ'nin in your mind
cus you refuse to let loose and be lucid anymore
and on the opposite end
it's like my heart you can't get to it anymore
and I'm tired of guessing
and agenda pressing
while you assure me my agony is just nit-pickin and stressin
despite your so-called words of assurance
I think I've learned my lesson
before you had time to leave me and teach me the hard way
the power of knowing when to let go

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tout simplement

Où est-ce que vous allez
    quand vous fermez
    vos yeux?
Quand il pleuvrait
    est-ce que c'est
    le même dans votre cœur?
Mon bébé
    j'espère que vous savez
    qu'avec moi il n'y a rien de raison de peur
    pas de raison de peur

Alors,
    marchez, marchez avec moi
        tout simplement
    je voudrais votre main
        dans le mien
        tout simplement
    vous êtes un roi
    un roi doit avoir du courage

Laissez-moi vous voir
    vous voir
    dans vos mots
Laissez-moi vous écouter
    vous écouter
    dans vos actions
Laissez-moi vous sentir dans m'esprit
Je voudrais vous savoir
Laissez-moi vous savoir
    tout simplement
    tout simplement

marchez, marchez avec moi
    tout simplement
je voudrais votre main
    dans le mien
    tout simplement
vous êtes un lion
un lion doit avoir du courage

Où est-ce que vous allez
    quand vous fermez vos yeux?
Même mieux: pourquoi?
Je voudrais
    que vous laissez
    laissez-moi vous savoir
C'est dans votre amour que vous devriez avoir le plus de foi
Donc
    avez la foi

Et
    marchez, marchez avec moi
        tout simplement
    je voudrais votre main
        dans le mien
        tout simplement
    vous êtes un roi
    un roi doit avoir du courage

S'il vous plait
    marchez, marchez avec moi
        tout simplement
    je voudrais votre main
        dans le mien
        tout simplement
    vous êtes un lion
    un lion doit avoir du courage

keep reading for English

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Parched

I had to let go of your refreshing cool
before my thirst was fully quenched.
I didn't realize how good it was
until the aftertaste hit.
An aftertaste that only makes me want
another gulp (the more I have, the more I want).

A flavor hard to place a finger on, but easy to recall

Which, now that I can't have it, only makes things hard.

The rarity of this drink

means I can only find it (and its breathtaking relief) in one place.

But I'm still thirsty

And you're not here.

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Meme Si (Even If)

Si le soleil ne lève pas
Vous brillez suffisamment
Et quand les eaux ne coulent plus
Vos mots pourraient être ma boisson
Si, par coïncidence, la nourriture disparaîssait
Je me régalerais de votre amour
Et si vous vous éloignez de moi
Je resterai dans votre cœur

Even If
If the Sun does not rise
You shine sufficiently
And when the waters no longer flow
Your words can be my drink
If, for instance, all food disappeared
I would feast on your love
And if you go away from me
I will remain in your heart

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fit

I remember when I met him.
Neither much interested in the other we somhow came close.
Didn't take long to find that he was was the thought to my mind that soon became the spine to my tingle.
Seeing him turned into the treat that satisfied the hunger that belonged to the lonliness I didn't know I had.
Not my better, but my other half. My equal.
When he wants to create, I am his practice canvas.
If I am to smile, he is the laugh behind it:
My sarcasm's wit.

He an entrepreneur and I a vehicle; he starts me up.
If he's King, my body is his kingdom and I willingly let him reign over me.

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then

we chilled together
smoked together
shared our dreams and hopes together
cheifin til we float together
wrote together

were dope together

and when times got tough together
we'd just sit and cope together
we'd hang tight in any weather
no one better
shared a bed and
if I needed somethin from him, he'd comply down to the letter
made his chedder
then shared his bread
wit his girl
I rocked his world
but it's cool he rocked mine too
funny what a man can do
when all he really wants is you

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Teamwork

Remove all the day's stresses from your shoulders and place them at my feet.
My day was fine, babe, but I wanna hear you speak.
I can see you need to vent, so baby talk to me
As I finish preparing your favorite meal so that we can eat.
Listening to you retell the day’s troubles in that voice so deep and sweet
I admire your refusal to ever accept defeat.
While we dine I inquire if there’s anything else you need,
And look forward to falling asleep resting on your heartbeat.

“And you?” you ask, “How’d your day go?”
I sigh and whisper, “You don’t even want to know.”
“Tell me anyway,” says my King, “you learned this long ago
“That I am here to bring you peace, so g’on babe -let it flow.”
“It all started this morning when I stubbed my baby toe
“Then continued downhill when I broke the garden hoe
“Went out to get the mail, it started to hail, traffic began to slow, and because of all the madness I missed my favorite show
“Then, while fixing dinner, I dropped the mixing bowl!”
You turn to me, warm and sweet, sayin “Damn, babe -your day blowed”
Always the first to make me laugh
Do anything on your behalf
1 and 1 is 1 with us, babe -you do the math

I suggest moving to the room; you say here’s where you prefer.
You use your kiss to dress my wounds so that I can feel my worth.
And then I do the same for you until everything’s a blur.
You take me higher than the moon, then return me safely back to earth.
The moment’s passed all too soon, my speech becomes a purr:
“If it was something we could do, I would each hour per
Return us to the place we knew, the heavenly place we were.
We may not be able to at noon, but right now it can occur” ;)

You like that idea, or so you must,
Cus you start doing such and such.
A simple touch,
I turn to mush.
Who knew back then a little crush
Would bloom into a love so lush?
We both know it’s much more than lust,
But I can’t ignore that urgent thrust.
You come inside, I feel a rush.
We pause together a moment just,
And then: a hush..
Then resting in your arms, a plus
I fall asleep with thoughts of us.

Doubtless: you’re the one for me.
And I the one with whom you’ll be
For now, and for eternity;
Our unity a reaction knee-jerk.

To one the other the only key,
A better two I’ll never see.
Great separate but better ‘We’;
My God: I love our teamwork.

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Letter to my Lover

Dear Baby,

*.ahem.*
Life without you is like
a sky without blue I'm like
what would I do if like
you were not true and like
I have no clue! cus like
this is so NEW to like
have something so coool

*.breathe.*
You're like my
change to the rule and my
brand new day. You're my
every way yes my
winter's May where my
little head can lay if my
day goes astray

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rhetorical questions

i needed you most tonight and you weren't there। but i needed you most tonight because you weren't there.

-but would i have needed you this badly if you weren't there yesterday? or tommorow? who knows?

i hate being wrong about something so right. i hate being uncertain about something so sure.

i .h a t e knowing who i am and that not being enough. i hate knowing that part of who i am is being who i am not. i hate change- when it aint broke. i HATE stagnation- always.

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